Part 2: Notes from the NICU

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus..."  Romans 8:1

Later that night, I was able to go back to the NICU and get my first good look at my son.  It was still sort of hard to tell what he looked like through all the tubes and monitors, but at least I could see him breathing - even if it was with help.  Cline had a tough time looking at little Thomas.  Even with his medical knowledge and expertise, it's hard to see your child looking like every other baby you've ever flown to Atlanta from the ER.  Cline had the additional burden of holding his own emotions together, knowing that if he fell apart in front of me, I would lose what little composure I had left.
In the hours that followed through that night and into the next day, I continued to agonize over our decision to induce.  I went into the NICU every few hours around the clock to check on my son, expecting to hear each time that he had made a big improvement.  Although he had stabilized and was not getting worse, he was just sort of sitting there, not getting any better, either.
The morning of the delivery, I had pulled up my bible app on my phone.  I get a verse each day on it, and I felt sure that on that particular day, I would be given a verse that was especially meaningful.  The verse was Romans 8:1, "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."  Hmmm, at the time that verse didn't seem especially pertinent to my plans for that day.  But as I sat in my hospital room a day later, sobbing off and on about our situation, and unable to find any real comfort on Google, that verse popped into my head.  Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.  And the thought continued even further.  Jessica, even if you did make the exact WRONG decision, and you could have spared your son and your family all of this by waiting another week or two to deliver him, My Grace covers your mistakes.
Well, that was about the most comfort I'd felt in 24 hours.  It was a life-changing revelation.  His grace covers my mistakes.  Not just my sin, but also the wrong, well-intentioned choices I make.  God knew what the amnio results would be, and He knew what we would decide.  He had worked all of those things into His plan for our lives, already.
This newfound knowledge was "too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain," (Psalm 139:6).  However, it still didn't stop me from occasionally researching "complications of 37 week inductions."  My pride was still wounded at the thought that I might have been wrong and it might have caused harm to my child.  The following night, it occurred to me that Thomas had an actual diagnosis - TTN - Transient Tachypnea of the Newborn.  I realized that I could read about his actual diagnosis, rather than obsess over what I feared might be the problem.  I read that TTN tends to occur in large, male, white babies who don't go through labor (are born via C-section).  Since my labor was very short, that gave him every risk factor for this condition.  The 37 week delivery might not have helped, but he was at great risk for this at 38, 39, or 40 weeks as well.  I also read that it usually improves by 48-72 hours of life.  That was tangible, earthly music to my ears.  We were only about 36 hours into it!  No wonder he wasn't getting better yet!
So, Cline and I began to pray that God would use us to accomplish any purpose He had for us for as long as we were on the 3rd floor of Floyd Medical Center.
On Thursday, the 19th, Nurse Rita was taking care of my baby for the day.  She was very nice, and had been a NICU nurse for many years.  In fact, when Cline and his twin brother were born 33 years ago, they had spent 9 weeks in the very same NICU after an early delivery (27 weeks).  Nurse Rita was their nurse all those years ago!  She shared with us that about a week before we came in, her husband had come across a Polaroid picture of Cline and Chas going home from the hospital that was mixed in with some things that were being moved from an office.  He knew she would want to keep it.  As she showed it to us, we all noticed the date was marked September 19, 1980.  Nurse Rita had discharged my husband and his brother from the exact same NICU that she was caring for my son in 33 years ago to the day!  And her husband "just so happened" to run across this picture the week before.  I was overwhelmed at what a coincidence that definitely was not, and reminded at how God was weaving together these tiny details of our lives over 3 decades.  It brought me to tears.
Our week was a sad one on the 3rd floor.  We knew multiple families who were going through unbearably difficult situations.  One of my friends, who had been there about a week already, posted on her Facebook page the morning after an especially difficult day, "It is incredible how the prayers of others can sustain us when we just don't have it in us to pray anymore. That was yesterday for me, but today is a new day; His mercies were new for me this morning!"  My friend, also named Jessica, had no idea as she was writing those words that her words, "His mercies are new every morning," would be the verse that would play in my head over and over again throughout one of the most challenging weeks of our lives.  In fact, Friday morning was our toughest day there.  Our little boy was doing better, but after a long and dark night, our hearts were simply shattered for the loved ones around us.  I went down to the cafeteria alone, and took my breakfast outside.  The sun happened to be rising at that moment, and I was again reminded that "His mercies are new every morning."  I prayed with everything inside me that my friends would feel that, too.  And I wept, because those words didn't take away the pain we were feeling.  And they didn't keep our week from being difficult.  But they did give us a sense of hope and purpose in the midst of that pain.
So many things happened to encourage us and give us a sense of God's work in all of the pain that was going on around us, that it's hard to remember the order of things even a few days later.  Once, as I was scrubbing my hands and arms down to go into the NICU for another visit, the Lord whispered into my heart again.  Your only son is in there.  And people who you and I both love are going through some terrible suffering now.  You would do anything in your power to spare your son and to spare your loved ones the trials they are facing.  I watched my only Son go through far worse.  I had the power to intervene.  And I didn't, because I love you that much.  I didn't intervene because it was for YOUR good.  If I wouldn't spare my own Son, I will not let you or anyone else I love go through anything that isn't somehow for your good.  That isn't out of love for you.
On Friday, Cline ran into yet another friend in L&D triage.  Ann and I have kids together in school and have known each other for years though various mom groups.  We'd talked about having baby boys at the same time, and she was apparently having some serious complications at 35 weeks.  I texted her, and never heard back, so I didn't find out if she ended up delivering that day.  Early Saturday morning, during a 5am feeding, I sat in the NICU holding Thomas.  He was off of everything except for some IV fluids by this point, and we had high hopes of going home in the next couple of days.  As I was sitting there, a tiny little boy rolled right up next to us, looking exactly like Thomas had 4 days prior.  Same tubes, same equipment, same IV in the same hand.  I had a feeling it was Ann's baby, but wasn't even sure she'd delivered.  Later in the morning during rounds, a time when many of the mothers are in the NICU, Ann and her husband came in, and settled by that baby right next to ours.  Ann shared with me that on Friday, when she began having complications, a friend of hers went over to a friend of mine's house and asked to pray for them.  My friend, Jenny, asked to pray for Thomas and I as well.  In the wee hours of the morning the two babies that were prayed over less than 24 hours beforehand laid side by side in the NICU.  Ann and I joked about them being college roommates one day, which lightened the mood for both of us!  And again, I was reminded of the power of prayer and God's involvement in every detail in our lives.
These kinds of things happened at least once a day, sometimes several.  It was especially hard to balance my joy over my new baby with the difficult situations that were occurring all around me that week.  I learned what it meant to pray without ceasing, as I felt God's presence with me the entire time I was on the 3rd floor.  Even if I didn't have my hands folded and eyes closed, my heart was constantly crying out to God for healing for my son, for healing for the babies next to him, and for grace and strength for the hurting mothers around me.
On Monday, September 23, 2013, Cline and I left the hospital with our perfect baby boy.  Thomas wore the same gown and was wrapped in the same blanket that Cline had left the hospital in as a baby on a bright September day over 3 decades ago.  Our discharge nurse was none other than....

Nurse Rita.

(to be continued...)