Dear Teeny-Bear,
I was supposed to meet you today. I was supposed to be too excited to sleep last night, or hurriedly packing a hospital bag while Cline called a grandmother to sit with Christa. I was supposed to be teaching Christa that you do not actually like to have your eyes poked, and it would not be a good idea for her to push you around in her doll stroller. I was supposed to be taking pictures of the two of you together and teaching Christa how to give her little sister sweet, but gentle kisses. I was supposed to be terrified of going to the bathroom and unable to climb stairs today. I was supposed to be dependent on prescription strength Motrin for the next week. I was supposed to drink my morning Coke with a fear that it might cost me a couple of hours of precious sleep later on. I was supposed to be deciding how much you did or didn't look like Christa.... or me... or your Daddy. I was supposed to be fanatically reviewing my books on newborn care and sending relatives to get last-minute necessities. I was supposed to be acutely frustrated that we do not have a Babies-R-Us nearby. I was supposed to be e-mailing friends and posting pictures of you on this blog. I was supposed to meet you today.
I am not doing any of the things that I was supposed to be doing today.
You, sweet baby, were supposed to be in heaven today. You were supposed to be held by arms that love you even more than I do. You were supposed to be listening to lullabies sweeter than anything I've ever heard. You were supposed to be in a place without any tears or pain or anything bad at all - a place where you won't be poked and prodded all day. You were supposed to be so captivated by all of the wonder around you that you don't even realize your mommy and daddy are missing. You were supposed to be praising and glorifying God in person today.
You, little one, are doing all of the things that you were supposed to be doing today.
So, I will cry a few tears today, and then maybe try to do some other things that I am supposed to be doing. While you are praising God up there, I will praise him as best as I can down here. That's one thing we can both do today. And one day, we will praise Him in person together. On that day, after He places you in my arms, maybe I will know the reason why things were supposed to be this way today.
I love you,
Mommy
7 comments:
WHat a bittersweet post! I am sending lots of love and hugs your way today! I know you still grieve for this little girl. I am here if you need someone! I love you!
I wish there was something I could do or say that could make this a little easier, but I know there is nothing. I am glad that you are allowing yourself to grieve. Time will help some. Thinking of Teeny-Bear too...see you soon...love you.
What a beautiful post. I know Teeny Bear is looking down on you and Cline and praying for you both today.
Oh Jess,
What a beautiful post. It brought MANY tears to my eyes. I'll pray a special prayer for you tonight. I love you!
wonderfully written. and so true.
I know its a bittersweet moment; I have been in your shoes. We mothers never forget the lost of celebrating a birthday unrealized. I can't say that you will one day forget because you will never do. But it does get a little easier when you hold your sweet baby to come in your arms and realize that this is the way it was meant to be all along. Thank you for sharing your feelings; you are not alone. If you need to talk I am here. God always has a greater plan for us.
Hope the Jackson family is doing well and mom is feeling ok! I miss your posts and pictures!
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