The Missing Birthday

I woke up at 3:30 a.m. this morning to feed Thomas and couldn't get back to sleep.  Despite sleeping through practical tornadoes the night before, for some reason, tonight, I was wide awake.  As I began to pray about some things on my mind, I included an upcoming due date of a loved one that has been heavy on my heart this month.  As I was praying for that situation to somehow make sense - any kind of sense at all - I remembered that this is the end of February.  Specifically, today is February 22, and although I haven't done anything to commemorate this date in about 4 years, today is the missing birthday in our family.  The due date of a baby we never got to meet or hold.  A little one who we should be throwing a Frozen party for today.  A cake that should have 5 candles on it. 
I remember thinking at that first ultrasound that God was playing a cruel joke on me.  I knew in my heart that the character of God was one of love, and that statement couldn't possibly be true.  But as I looked at the still and lifeless ultrasound screen, I could not wrap my brain around why God would bless us with a surprise pregnancy, only to take it away a short time later.  Why would a loving and merciful God give someone He loved such an amazing, wonderful, and joy-filled gift, and then snatch it away for no apparent reason?
As I've walked through motherhood over the years, I've seen even worse.  Our situation, (an early miscarriage), can not be compared to a still birth or the loss of a child you've cared for over a period of years.  For me, there has been comfort in not really knowing what I lost that day.  Except for the fact, that when I look at Christa or Abby Kate or Elizabeth or Thomas, I get a pretty good glimpse of what is missing.  And I know that it is a huge, gaping, hole.
But, occasionally, I pay special attention to Abby Kate.  Bright, spunky, confident, hilarious, perfect-for-our-family, Abby Kate.  I can not imagine life, or our family, without Abby Kate!  The other night, I was reading an American Girl Doll  book to the girls at bedtime.  In the story, the characters were attending a luau in Hawaii, and learning to hula dance.  Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Abby Kate quietly waving her hands, hula-dancing with her arms in dramatic, Abby Kate-fashion as I read.  That's my Abby Kate, and she adds an indescribable amount of joy to our family.  Abby Kate will turn five in September.

If we didn't have a missing birthday today in our family, our family would, right now, be missing out on Abby Kate.  And we would have no idea what a loss that was.

This is where I always get stuck - when I allow myself to feel the loss of our Teeny-Bear, and then feel the joy of our "happy ending" with Abby Kate (and Elizabeth and Thomas).  For me, it's a beautiful picture of God's grace and mercy and everything eventually working out wonderfully just as "God ordained it."  It's been a beautiful reminder over the years that even though our weeping "lasted for night," joy did come "in the morning."  But if I didn't have Abby Kate, would I feel that same way?  Could I believe those biblical promises and proclaim their truth with such certainty?  What about the moms who pray and trust and say and do all the "right things" and have only one child and multiple losses that follow?  What about the mothers out there who struggle with infertility and who never get to experience the grace and joy of a healthy pregnancy?  What about the moms who end their reproductive years with an empty cradle and a half-filled heart?  Who rejoice and give thanks for their healthy children, but who never have a "rainbow baby" to be a living, breathing, tangible, bright ray of sunshine after a dark night?  Where is their "joy in the morning?"

While I don't have words for them, the Lord does.

"Thought the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold, and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation.  God, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer's; he makes me tread on my high places."
Habakkuk 3:17-19

"For in a severe test of affliction, their abundance of joy and their extreme poverty have overflowed in a wealth of generosity on their part."
2 Corinthians 8:2

"More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation."
Romans 5:11

"But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when His glory is revealed."
1 Peter 4:13

"So also, you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy away from you."
John 16:22

I find a glimpse of an answer to these questions in the example God Himself set for us.  Right before Jesus was to be crucified, He prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane that God, if it was "His will" would "take this cup" away.  I picture Jesus begging with tears to His own Father that there could be another way... a happier earthly ending.  Just as I picture hurting and confused mothers begging the Lord to show favor and fill their home with children.  Just as I begged for the ultrasound to be different when we went back a week later.  And God, in His infinite wisdom, and His LOVE for US told His own, perfect Son who did and said everything right, "no."  Jesus was crucified.  The curtain was torn.  Death was conquered.  Salvation was offered to each of us.

Delivering and raising each of my children has, so far, been an amazing experience filled with too much joy for words.  Somehow, though, I think meeting the baby I lost right after I meet my Savior will be even better.

Sometimes we get a rainbow to hold here on earth.  Other times, our treasure awaits us in heaven.

Missing you today, Teeny-Bear.

"Store up your treasures in heaven; for where your treasure is, there your heart will also be."
Matthew 6:20

Family Wedding: Part 3

 The happy couple, about to become husband and wife, with their many nieces and nephews!

 Ready for the reception - a beautiful party held at the Country Club!

 Time to celebrate!

 New sister-in-law!!

 The kids had a blast dancing at the reception, and were quite a hit with the bridesmaids!

 How can you not love those curls and blue eyes?

 Cousins having a ball!

Welcome to the family, Catherine!!

Family Wedding: Part 2

 The beautiful Bride and Flower Girl getting ready for the big ceremony!

 Wish I could do that at home!

 Little ones all ready to go to the church.

 Mother and son, ready to go with the mass chaos evident behind them!

 Beautiful flower girls; I heard they did great taking pictures in the cold.

 Love this picture of Groomsman and Flower Girl!

 Family photo while waiting for the ceremony to begin.  Cline and I were married in this same chapel!

Thomas really did great, except when anyone pulled out a camera.  Love these 4!

Family Wedding: Part 1

Hello all!  The weekend before Thanksgiving, our family had the joy and honor of welcoming a great new sister-in-law into our family.  Cline's middle brother married a great girl, "Aunt Catherine" (as I started calling her shortly after (before???) they got engaged.  We were thrilled to participate in Wedding Weekend.  Here are some highlights from the pre-wedding festivities.

Sweet Flower Girls got to miss some school to attend the Bridesmaids' Luncheon held upstairs at Harvest Moon.  We had a blast, and had a lesson in manners with the formal place settings.

Thomas adding a male component to the Bridesmaids' Luncheon.

 Cline and I at the Rehearsal Dinner, which was held at our local History Museum.

 The kids had some babysitters and some crafts especially for them!  They had a blast, and we got to eat warm food.  Win-win!

 Proud parents of the groom - La-La and Poppy!

 The happy, and remarkably cool, couple - Chris and Catherine!

 Trendy photo spot!

Thanksgiving 2013

Thanksgiving this year was pretty much consumed with pre-wedding and wedding festivities for Uncle Chris and (now) Aunt Catherine.  More on that soon :)  The middle girls had their annual program at the pre-school, and it was as wonderful as ever!  Abby Kate was an Indian and sang Joyful Noise, which was the cutest Thanksgiving song ever.  Abby Kate sang the words weeks leading up to the performance... (Oh what a lovely noise when we raise our voice to sing, "I wanna thank you, Lord, you're the giver of all good things.")   Elizabeth did the Turkey Wobble.  Both were adorable!

After the program, we all headed over to Mellow Mushroom for a wedding weekend kick-off family dinner.

Christa didn't have a Thanksgiving program this year, but did have Native American Day at school.  This outfit from the Kinderkid program last year worked perfectly :)

We had much to be thankful this year, and had a wonderful weekend!

Fall Fun

 Saint Mary's Bazaar

 Pumpkin carving

 Pumpkin Patch field trip

Snuggling with Pa

 1st Jon-Jon!  That was the first time it felt really different having a boy!

Thomas is 2 months!

Jekyll Island 2013

It's becoming our tradition to spend Halloween weekend in Jekyll Island for the GA/FL game.  I campaigned against my kids and husband to trick-or-treat in our own neighborhood and then go down to the game this year.  I was out-voted, even by the kids, who remembered trick or treating at the hotel years ago.  So, we spent Halloween driving down to the beach after the kids' costume parade at their school  It was a fun weekend, and I seem to be missing the pictures of hotel trick-or-treating at the moment.  Oh well - I'm simplifying and not stressing, remember??  Here are the pictures of my GA kids that I do have!